Guilty pleasures

Hey guys

I’ve had a tad bit going on recently where I’ve just felt extremely down and I didn’t want to come on here and bring that negativity with me because that could have bought some of you guys down too and I wouldn’t want that.

Other than that though, I’ve been watching American reality tv shows A LOT these past few days, e.g, dance moms, toddlers and tiaras because they American reality tv is my guilty pleasure I’m not even going to lie. I couldn’t sleep last night so I ended up by not sleeping and watched dance moms from about 4am till now and its currently 5pm. I have an obsession with shows like this, its so bad! But they’re also entertaining so I guess that’s the point.

Do you have any guilty pleasures you would like to share?

Note to self and to you, ‘Judgements are a confession of character.’

I am exhausted

Hello everyone!

Ok so just to get straight into it, I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice?

The thing is with me, I either oversleep or under-sleep and this past week or two I have been under-sleeping so much. I’ll be lucky to get about three hours sleep if that and its really wearing me down.

I’ve been trying everything I can to get to sleep but I just can’t. I’ll be completely exhausted and ready to drop out but there’s just something in my mind stopping me from sleeping.

I’ll even make sure not to go on my phone or the family laptop but I’ll end up just lying there for hours which I hate because then I’m consumed by unwanted thoughts and feelings. I overthink so much for starters so that doesn’t help.

I just don’t know what to do because I’m so exhausted but no one really seems to understand because, “I don’t do anything when I’m at home.” (which is a lie because I do all the jobs round the house for mum and dad because they work all day and night).

But then I also know that in a few days or a week I’m going to be sleeping all the time because I won’t have the energy or motivation to leave my bed so I’ll literally sleep all through the night and all through the day.

I just don’t know what to do! I want to be able to get my sleep under a better control. It’s been this way for years but its really starting to get to me now.

And especially considering I’m back in college in less than a month and I don’t think I can cope with going to college on two hours sleep anymore. I hate college as it is.

Can anyone help me and tell me what they did to get their sleeping pattern under control if they were able too?

I would really appreciate it!

Note to self and to you: ‘Never fear the shadows, they simply mean there’s a light shining somewhere nearby.’

#MondayMotivation

Hopefully it’s Monday when you’re reading this otherwise it’ll be a bit of a fail.

I feel like Motivation is so important in order for you to get up and start your day off positively in order for you to achieve great things.

Although it is currently 12:09pm here in the uk, if you’re in a similar timezone I hope these eight quotes will help you get through the rest of the day (or week for that matter).

Monday or not, however, use these to look back on whenever you need that little push of motivation or positivity.

  1. How many Monday’s have been and gone since you said ‘I’ll start next week’? Take action and start today.
  2. Do what you love and you’ll never have a problem with Monday.
  3. In life, you have 3 choice. give up, give in, or give it your all!
  4. It’s Monday!  Don’t forget to be awesome!
  5. Great things never come from comfort zones.
  6. You are super duper amazing, let nothing stand in your way. Ever.
  7. No matter how the weekend went, Monday is always an opportunity for a fresh start.
  8. Just because you took longer than others, doesn’t mean you failed.

I wish you all the happiness you deserve.

Note to self and to you from Charlie Chaplin: ‘A day without laughter is a day wasted.’

Was it my fault?

I was ‘bullied’.

I don’t like calling it bullying and prefer to call it, ‘being picked on’ because I didn’t have it to super severe, and there’s people out there that do/did so I feel like ‘being picked on’ is a better term for what happened to me.

I was picked on for three/four or so years of my high school experience, (high school: 11-16 years old for anyone that isn’t British <– oo another sneaky fact about me).

At the end of my first year in high school, I was 12 years old when it first started. I’d moved to different classes because I was overachieving in the classes I had previously been in and this meant I was in more classes with my friends too. However, I was also in classes with a bunch of arseholes.

One of my subjects was literacy because it was mandatory to do that class.

Taking a little back turn, I have never been a confident person. I’ve always been shy, introverted, nervous, whatever so in classes the most I would do is talk with my friends. Hated getting in any trouble, I hate and still do hate being in the limelight.

So in my literacy class I would sit and mind my own business, not really listening to the teacher because he was a creep (he once told us that no one would hear our screams!).

And then it started. Three boys in that class started off by calling my name from the other side of the classroom when everyone else was having their own conversation. But that’s it. They would shout my name so I would look over at them and then they’d look at me and piss themselves laughing. Because of my appearance. My face, My body. This happened every single lesson and when I was sat there I wanted to honestly die. I didn’t want to go to school.

And then it started happening in my other lessons. In my music class (another mandatory lesson) one of the boys and another boy that had joined in sat behind me and one of my best friends. They would push their table right into the back of our chairs so we couldn’t move. They’d kick the back of my chair. They made up a horrible nickname for me which I wont say because my name was included in my ‘new nickname’ but they called me fat, basically and they’d say this little nickname to me whenever they saw me. This happened every lesson too.

They’d basically corner me in lessons where I was alone and none of my friends were there and they’d ask me stupid questions, make me feel extremely uncomfortable.

I hated school. I really hated school. And I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that I stupidly didn’t tell anyone until about a year or two ago. My parents and sister still don’t even know. I went through all that bullshit on my own so essentially I had no one.

When it first started, I already disliked myself but at 12 years old I started dieting because of the things they did and said to me. It made me feel horrible about myself, I detested my body, my face (I still do and its on a larger scale because of them). I was unable to eat in public/at school so I would give my lunch to my friends or throw it away. I didn’t want to give anyone a reason to call me fat so I couldn’t eat. I was so self conscious I couldn’t eat. I stopped eating. They made me like that. They made me hate myself so much that I couldn’t eat. I had to lose weight. I had to change myself because then I wouldn’t be picked on. It was my fault because I was so big. If I hadn’t been so big, if I’d worn more makeup, it wouldn’t have happened.

But was it my fault? Was it my fault that I’d started puberty early and my face was covered in spots? Was it my fault that I had an extra little bit of weight on my body that would have gone in a few years? Was it my fault that I was so quiet I was an easy target? If I’d been louder, had more friends, would it still have happened?

Why should anyone be put through, what was back then, torture? I was 12 years old. I couldn’t stand myself, I pretty much wanted to die. I didn’t want to be alive. And I went through it all on my own.

Which is my fault but I was embarrassed. Two of my friends had no clue it was all happening but wouldn’t have done anything about it anyway. One knew something was going on but didn’t do anything.

And do you know what? I’ve never blamed them for that and I never would blame them for that. We were so young, what were they going to do? Even though they didn’t help me directly, the fact that they were still friends with me, still there for me was the reason I kept going because if it wasn’t for them just being my friend I honestly don’t think I’d be here right now, to be honest. And the fact that they’re still here by my side means so much and I know at our age now with their growth of confidence they would say something to those boys.

But why would anyone want to put someone through that?

Those three to four years have damaged me permanently. I can never forget how they made me feel, what its done to me now, the mental illnesses that I have because of those boys, because of those small things they did/said to me. I can’t even walk outside my own house. I never want to go to college. I still can’t eat in public. I struggle with an eating disorder. And they all made me feel this way.

Sometimes I wonder if they remember what they did to me and if they feel bad about it. I don’t think I could ever forgive them but knowing they felt even remotely bad about it I feel like I’d get some kind of justice from it. That they were just young and stupid and uneducated on peoples feelings.

If you see a child or a person being bullied, do something about it. Do not walk away from them. Don’t leave it because that person could have no one.

I am not a confident person, I am anxious, I don’t like the limelight being on me but if I see something I disagree with I will push my fears aside and do something about it.

You need to do something about it too.

Whether its bullying, abuse, discrimination, prejudice, racism we have to stand together and do something about it. We can’t let people go through hell just because we’re too scared of the judgement that comes after, but there isn’t a greater feeling than helping someone in need.

 

p.s I teared up a little bit when writing this because it honestly has damaged me permanently. And again can I just say, I know it wasn’t very severe but I am and was a very sensitive person, I feel things very deeply so it affected me on a massive scale.

Note to self and to you: ‘Don’t let anyone’s ignorance, hate, drama or negativity stop you from being the best person you can be. You are better than any of those people.’

Relationships.

17:59pm

I am 17 years old and I have never been in a relationship. I have, however, been a bystander to a few successful and unsuccessful relationships and I need to have a little rant about relationships I guess. The ones I’ve seen crash and burn anyway.

First off, having never had a boyfriend fucking sucks. Imagine. Single for 17 whole years. Yeah, yeah, I’m still young, I’ll find someone soon, yaddah yaddah yaddah. I personally don’t believe that because I’m disgusting but what can you do eh. I’m just unlovable.

Relationship number one I want to talk about: My sister and her boyfriend of a year and a couple of months.

They’re both in love with each other which is cute and all but no one in my family likes my sisters boyfriend. I happen to be one of them, however, I am one of those people that see arguments from both sides so my dislike for him isn’t as high as everyone else’s. Basically, he’s manipulative, he creates unnecessary arguments, he’s sly, he gets angry quickly (and he can be very aggressive but he’s never physically hurt my sister and I can stand by the fact that I know he would never) and he’s a lone wolf (which means he never wants to go out so doesn’t let my sister go out because he wants to be with her 24/7). He also doesn’t have a job which results in my sister buying stuff for him even though she’s skint herself but its because she’s a pushover. She’s grown more of a back bone over the years but she still gets walked all over. I know she loves him but I also know that he hurts her (emotionally) a heck of a lot with the way he acts towards her.

It sucks seeing her so down about it all the time especially considering she’s already got a lot on her plate with university (she’s 20), work placement in a vet surgery and another job and he doesn’t help with that stress. Everyone wants her to break up with him, especially my mum. My mum doesn’t handle the situation in the best way though because all she does it shout her mouth off about my sister’s boyfriend which creates arguments which will not help my sister see that she is better off without her boyfriend.

I personally think she needs to break up with him for her own benefit because she can do so much better, she deserves so much better. I just need to help her see that.

The second relationship is that of my best friend and her ex whom she was with for eight months.

She broke up with him because he lied to her and then regretted it so tried to get back with him but he didn’t want to. Their relationship was great and he was a really nice guy but then he went into the army to train to be a solider and it kind of took a rocky turn. They argued more and I think it was because they were both hurting because they couldn’t see each other.  Anyway turns out he got with another girl the day after he and my best friend broke up but we didn’t know this until three weeks later. Throughout those three weeks he told my best friend multiple times that he still loved her and that sometime in the future they could work it out.

A shit storm went up and he broke up with his now ex and got back with my best friend. That lasted a week or two when he broke up with her. She was and still is devastated. It’s been about two months, two and a half maybe, I’m not sure but she still loves him. She is no where near over him and he’s playing with her feelings all the freaking time. There’s a lot more to the story but I’m not very good at explaining stuff and I’ll end up confusing myself.

She doesn’t realise that she can do so much better, though. That she will find someone so much better in the near future. I get that it’s going to tear her apart but she also doesn’t seem to realise that she will not get over him if she continues to talk to him.

Recently, I was out, I was drunk with my friends and she had planned to meet up with him. Me and one of my other best friends refused to let her go on her own even though we didn’t want her to meet him but she’s stubborn and wouldn’t listen so we went with her. It completely messed up and he walked away so I then ended up having a drunken go at him on the phone, he came back, didn’t do anything to soothe her even though she was sobbing and it was just a mess! A horrible mess.

I don’t even know where my point was because I’ve gone off on a tangent but are relationships even worth it? Or should a few bad experiences not get in the way of you getting your happy ever after?

Note to self and to you: ‘You don’t need someone to complete you. You only need someone to accept you completely.’

 

 

Sometimes you just have to let people go

13:52pm

Ok so hello!

Although it’s not a lot, I’m finding it strange that people are liking my blogs when I’ve only done two! I don’t know if its just because people are super nice on here or people actually liked reading them. Who knows?

I kinda wanted to talk about friends to be honest. I currently have three best friends and that’s it. That’s all I have. Saying that used to be a real problem for me because it was like, t h r e e, that it? A large portion of people usually have a lot more friends than that but over the years (these friends have been with me for about five/six years, I had two other friends before that) I’ve come to realise that I don’t need more friends. I have three amazing people standing by me and its more than I could have wished for. I’m not very good in large groups of people anyway and I’d rather have a few friends that I know will always be there for me over being in a large group of friends where I will most likely always feel uncomfortable and I don’t need that right now.

However, like all friendship groups (I’m assuming here) they do sometimes make me feel miserable or neglected I guess?? One of my best friends finds it really easy to make friends and talk to people (although she tells us she has social anxiety which I’m awfully confused about so I’d really appreciate someone educating me) so she has multiple other groups of friends outside my group of friends which I’m totally ok with. I’d never tell my friends they couldn’t have any other friends because that’s wrong and I’d never want to tie them down. BUT, I feel its slightly different because I constantly feel replaced by these new people she becomes friends with. She’ll tell them everything about herself, talk to them 24/7 and always hang out with them. But then along the line she’s fallen out with a few of them and come back to my group of friends. She never actually leaves the group but often it feels like that. I do feel replaced a lot and I do get jealous but that’s mainly because I wish I was able to talk to people the same way she can.

That girl, and the other two mean the world to me and I would never want to let her go (or the others) but that’s for my benefit. I feel like they’d all be better off without me. I set them back because I’m too anxious to do things they all want to do so then they won’t do things because I don’t want too even though I’ve never actually made them not do things. I never want to go outside my house because I struggle with my self/body image so whenever we do something its usually at my house because I wont want to go outside to get to their houses. And sometimes I just feel like it’d be better for them if I weren’t friends with them but then I also can’t make that decision when it’s theirs to make.

I’m conflicted, I don’t know what to do. Thoughts? Is anyone else going through these same feelings?

Note to self and to you from emma Watson, ‘Don’t feel stupid if you don’t like what everyone else pretends to love’

Parents.

01:15am

When I was a really young kid up until the age of about 10 or 11 I was constantly glued to my mum. I was a literal leech, seriously. Always sitting right next to her, always wanting to do stuff with her. And then as I slowly got older, we completely grew apart which I guess is ‘normal’ as I was entering my terrible teens and BOY was I a terrible teen. I answered back like there was no tomorrow, I yelled a lot, I got angry extremely quickly, I pretty much hated everything and everyone on this planet. Now, I’m not going to lie, I do still hate most people, I still answer back, I still yell and I still get angry, just on a much smaller scale although its still a pretty big scale.

But, we grew apart. Same with my dad, except I was never really close with him to begin with. We argued a lot more, which sometimes was my fault, sometimes was hers. There was times where I absolutely hated my parents. With a passion. I am currently 17 years old (little sneaky fact about me) and I still argue with my parents everyday. Sometimes its petty shit, other times its extreme, walk out the front door, sobbing shit. And do you know what? I hate it, I really hate it.

My mum always makes little comments such as, “what happened to the girl that never left my side” and I’ll always answer with something along the lines of, “she grew up”. Which in fact is true, but I think it was a much more deeper reason than that. A reason I am not quite sure of but it includes high school, bullying, rejection and friends which is a whole other story that needs to be dedicated to its own blog because there’s so much stuff to it.

I wish I was as close to my mum as I used to be and I try to be a good daughter, I try, I really do but she’s just so awful.

However, I do still appreciate the fact that I actually have parents and that they’ve provided me with shelter etc but I honestly do sometimes really dislike them. But I wish it wasn’t like that. And it’ll probably get to a couple of years in the future and I’ll question why I didn’t do something more to rebuild our relationship because I know deep down its important and I don’t know what I’d do without them.

I don’t know really, I just feel like you should make sure you rebuild a strong relationship with your parents if you lost that relationship a long time ago/recently and the reason wasn’t even a big deal and you know deep down it wasn’t something worth losing family over because at the end of the day, family is important and if all else fails, they’re the ones that will most likely be there for you when times get rough or you need help or advice.

I just wish I could turn back time to before things got so bad between me and my parents and I was actually able to fix our relationship because for us to get even remotely close again we’d need a whole lot of family therapy because there’s just too much anger and tension and sadness that we’ve built up between us.

If you know your relationship can be fixed and its not extreme, fix things before it’s too late.

note to self and to you: ‘Time spent with family is worth every second’.